Man Takes World Hostage After Allegations of Domestic Abuse (Satire)

Enraged Mr. Satan calls Him ‘INSANE’, vows to take him down once his ingrown toenail has healed

‘Dragonball Z’, created by Akira Toriyama. Prod. Toei Animation, Shueisha

5/30/17, 12:20 pm EDT

By John Corry

A man caught flying in the upper stratosphere late last night has been identified as the famous Vegeta Vegeta.

The continuing situation began less than four hours after Vegeta’s wife, Dr. Bulma Briefs Vegeta, of Capsule Corporation, filed a domestic abuse claim against her husband, citing ‘Freudian whining” and “an aggressive need to engage in violent physical activity with our infant grandson, Trunks Jr.”

“He freaks out at everything,” Briefs said at Capsule Crop. late yesterday afternoon. “Which makes him so dreamy, so divorce is as always out of the question. But it can be a nuisance when you’re working on a rocket to travel across the universe, and all your husband keeps talking about is ‘preserving the Saiyan race’ and fighting some guy named ‘Kakarot’! Who even is that guy?!”

Shortly following Briefs’ statement, reports circulated of a man high in the sky screaming slanders such as, “woman couldn’t outsmart a frog!” and, “I will not stand by as my people are belittled and defamed!” By the time police arrived, Vegeta was already firing heavy nuclear blasts into space, reportedly arguing, “the woman doesn’t respect my training regimen! You think Freiza trained only seventeen hours a day?!”

The news comes after several decades of relative quiet for the Saiyan prince, who tried to take over the world in 1986 but was handily stopped by our Lord & Savior, Goku. Piccolo, a longtime adversary of both Goku’s and Vegeta’s, has released a statement saying, “he’s been having a tough time recently, that’s for sure; even worse than after Cell kicked his ass for like, the hundredth time. That’s when he started drinking, but what do I care? Dude’s racist af.”

The military is on the scene, but is reluctant to engage.

“The suspect has a long history of lashing out,” General Yajirobe said at a press conference this morning. “We understand the gravity of the situation, and what the stakes are. Especially in light of the fact that alcohol may be involved, we don’t want to take the chance of him drinking all of it and then leaving none for the rest of us.”

Yajirobe concluded saying that, despite his potential intoxication, Vegeta remains an imminent threat. However, Yajirobe also made clear that Savior Goku will not be involved, ending the conference saying, “Goku is perfectly fine and healthy, but this needs to go on for at least another ten episodes before he can get involved.”

This is a breaking news story.