Man Takes World Hostage After Allegations of Domestic Abuse

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Vegeta Vegeta from the Japanese anime/manga DragonBall Z (for reference).

Vegeta Vegeta from the Japanese anime/manga DragonBall Z (for reference).

5/30/17, 12:20 pm EDT

By John Corry, photo from Cartoon Network

A man caught flying in the upper stratosphere late last night has been identified as the famous Vegeta Vegeta. The event comes less than four hours after Vegeta’s wife, Dr. Bulma Briefs Vegeta, of Capsule Corporation, filed a domestic abuse claim against her husband, citing ‘incessant whining and an aggressively violent need to engage in violent physical activity with our two-year-old grandson, Trunks Jr.’

‘He freaks out at everything,’ Briefs said. ‘Which makes him so dreamy, so divorce is of course out of the question. But it can be something of a nuisance when you’re working on making a rocket to travel halfway across the universe, to save the universe for everything and everyone, and all your sexy husband keeps talking about is ‘preserving the Saiyan race,’ and fighting some guy named ‘Kakarot’.’

Following Briefs’ claim, reports immediately surfaced of a man high in the sky screaming, ‘I will not stand by as my people are belittled and defamed!’ and ‘stupid bitch couldn’t even outsmart a frog!’ When police arrived on the scene, Vegeta was angrily throwing giant exploding nuclear weapons into space, yelling, ‘the woman never shuts up! And she doesn’t respect my training time! You think Freiza trained only seventeen hours a day?!’

This story comes after several decades of relative quiet for the Saiyan prince, who tried to take over the world in 1986 but was handily stopped by our Lord and Savior: Super Saiyan Goku. Namekian Piccolo, a longtime adversary of Vegeta’s, said, ‘he’s been having a tough time recently, that’s for sure, even worse than after Cell kicked his ass for like, the hundredth time. That was when he started drinking. He never liked it when people were tougher than he was, let alone when they talked tougher than he did, but what do I care? I can’t stand the guy, total Namekiist.’

In the hours since, the military has arrived on the scene, but is reluctant to engage.

‘The suspect has a long history of lashing out,’ General Yajirobe said at a press conference this morning. ‘We understand the gravity of this situation, and what the outcomes may be. However, and especially since we know alcohol to be involved, we don’t want to take the chance of him drinking all of it and then leaving none for the rest of us.’

He went on to say that, despite being extremely intoxicated and physically ‘off-aim’; because of his ability to talk tough, ‘perhaps even more so now than ever before,’ General Yajirobe said, Vegeta remains a threat. In spite of this, Yajirobe made it clear that Savior Goku will not be involved, concluding the conference with, ‘Goku is perfectly fine and healthy. But this needs to go on for at least another ten episodes before he can get involved. It’s just the way these things work.’

Updates will be provided as they occur.

(Image taken from the Anime Dragonball Z. All Rights Reserved.)