Phi11y’s P-Hines{T} /> #Hardcore PHant-[O]m$: Part Three, Chapters Seven and Eight

Excerpts from r(E)volutionized contributor John Corry’s satire Phi11y’s P-Hines{T} /> #Hardcore PHant-[O]m$

Physical front, back and spine of Corry’s Phi11y’s P-Hines{T} /> #Hardcore PHant-[O]m$.

Physical front, back and spine of Corry’s Phi11y’s P-Hines{T} /> #Hardcore PHant-[O]m$.

12/21/18, 11:59 pm EST

By John Corry

From the flap:

“Imagine if Tom Wolfe had been born in 1975 and instead of writing 'Radical Chic and Mau-Mauing the Flak Catchers' in 1970, he'd have written a book about the state of society and it's obsession with social media, internet fame and all of the intricacies that go along with it. On shrooms. Using Chuck Palahniuk's 'Pygmy' as his sole piece of inspiration.... you'd have John Corry's 'Phi11y's P-Hines[T] /> #Hardcore Phant-[O]m$'.” -Travis Besecker (author and comedy writer)

After 19-year-old reformed gang member Randall Gähstŭr is brutally murdered at the start of the Baltimore riots of 2015, the subsequent investigation leads both his former closest friends and the two very different special agents assigned to investigating the case into a web of conspiracy involving everything from police corruption, to global world domination, to manipulated/unnecessarily clung-to gang violence (relatively defined), war, and, eventually /> r(E)volution.

Every Monday and Friday, we’ll be releasing 1-2 chapters of r(E)volutionized contributor John Corry’s Phi11y’s P-Hines{T} /> #Hardcore PHant-[O]m$. You check it out here, get a free PDF here, or check it out on Amazon, or on Barnes and Noble.

Parental discretion is advised.


April 28th, 2015

7:49 a.m.

It was a long night for Saves and Palmer. Exciting (not that ex-citing X( ) /> #ButLong*TheLongest #SoLong*SoFuckingLong .

The information that Palmer and Saves had found in their research was astounding, or: ‘astounding’ in the sense that they found absolutely nothing but some old ‘facts’ that they’d already vaguely known about ‘:(. They’d made a home base out of Palmer’s nice two-bedroom apartment, and had been going strong ever since first getting there the night before. No rest, No Sleep Till Brooklyn #BeastieBoys #LicenseToIll #NoSleepTill-Brooklyn #KerryKingSolo [1], and they had everything that they could get their hands on… well, almost everything ;D[2].

As it turned out, Saves had had an imminent interest in the case ever since she first heard about it, long even before Palmer and Gestarrè had originally gotten to the scene. She’d gathered everything from newspaper articles to files dating as far back as the 60’s on all of the kids involved in #TheBranding™ as well as anyone else related to them (like Ràbbani Jaáfar, Randall’s ousted-cop dad, semi-famous Bloods™ or Crips™ with influence or memorable histories, or any politician strongly committed to criminal justice, or law enforcement, reform). They got quite a bit out of this after scourging through it for twelve hours straight, but it meant nothing to Palmer, for reasons neither he nor Saves could quite put a finger on.


Barry Swindle was indeed the son of the wealthy couple who together created and operated the ‘popular’ ‘life-saving’ company, ‘Clinton and Lewinski Pharmaceuticals’ ($), with their main manufacturing plant in a warehouse just outside of NorthEast Philly near Woodhaven road. The plant produced many products, but male enhancements (‘Clinton Male Enhancements’) was its most successful (like it always is XD). Saves wasn’t sure if this was symbolic of what the Swindle’s marriage was like, though she realized that it wasn’t her place to say (the Swindles were very religious ¯\_(ツ)_/¯).

However, the file also pointed out how good friends Barry and Herb were (o.O), though Herb never admitted to this during his interview with the special agents at the hospital, Palmer mentioned. The two hung out and smoked weed together all the time, and even though they weren’t nearly the friends that Herb and Al were (or Herb and House (or Hershel and Barry)), it was pretty obvious they were quite close. Barry would have done anything for the dude, much unlike for anyone else in that group, but he still acted all tough and shit all the time, probably because there’s really nothing else to a good friendship than good tymes :D. There was never any question as to how this information was obtained, either by Saves or by Palmer #TheNSAIsAlwaysWatc-hingYou:o .

Palmer was going through what they had on Al Rockman when Saves got the call. Unlike Palmer, she still had a few good friends on the inside who promised to keep her informed should anything come up regarding the Gähstŭr case.

“Palmer, Hershel is dead,” she said after she’d hung up.

Palmer couldn’t believe it.


“Not one hour ago. The police are saying it was a drug overdose.”

This didn’t make any sense to Palmer. The only people in #TheBranding™ group who still did hard drugs on the reg were House and Herb, and only Herb when he’d decide to take psychedelics because he felt he needed a switch in his shitty life perspective #Pointless!!!(BecauseTheyDon’tHelpWithThatAtAl-l#Sarcasm) . Like Randall, Hershel had something of an issue with drugs when he was a kid (/> horse tranquilizers :D), and, since almost dying of an overdose at thirteen, had made a life pact with himself to never do anything worse than weed; ergo: a death-from-overdose for Hershel Whopper was very unlikely (because you can’t fucking overdose on marijuana, dumbasses (unlike alcohol, oxycodone, half of the drugs we all get prescribed every day because we need them etc.)). Sure, Hershel smoked a helluvalotta weed, but he barely ever even got drunk anymore, let alone did he do anything harder than take an Advil here and there.

Not only that, but Palmer knew damn well how Hershel was taking Randall’s death and Herb’s nervous breakdown: very well. He knew Hershel had visited Herb several times in the hospital, and that their task force in War-For-Love® (ONLINE MMO, RPG COMPUTER GAME) was quickly rising through the ranks, going up almost to the top 80% in the entire game in just the past five days, Herb also being a very active member, and an essential contributor to its recent triumph. Though no one knew it, Hershel was even currently in the middle of writing a beautiful eulogy for his deceased friend (Randall), one that MIRACULOUSLY never once mentioned what Randall’s skin color was…


“There’s no way it was a drug overdose,” Palmer eventually said.

“I know.”

“It’s not even 8 o’ clock yet. Just the fact that he’s awake at this time in the morning is a red flag for that fact’s falsity. Did it happen at his house /> I– I mean at his parent’s house?”

“I don’t know. But I do know that there was a shooting near the hospital Herb was staying at.”

“What do you mean ‘was’ staying at?”

“You haven’t heard the news?”

“What news?”

Saves told Palmer ‘the news’ (that Herb had left the hospital leaving behind a disgusting byway of entrails and tears in more abundance than intellectually useless cat videos on the Internet–)

“My God,” Palmer mumbled under his breath all dramatic-like #SouthPark #RandyMarsh #...MyGod=OOOO , figured he shouldn’t say anything, but then did anyway–



“Well, I don’t know what that means in this context, until proven it’s just a word as far as I’m concerned,” Saves responded. “Plus, we already know that there’s some type of conspiracy involved, in that one or more of the people involved are poor, and if the police or the government cared about poor people, they’d at least attempt to find out who killed Pac and Biggie.”

Palmer didn’t fully understand the relation.


“What the hell does that have to do with it?–”

“Well /> the-history-of-civil-rights-in-this-country for one,” and Saves gave Palmer a look like ‘duh, don’t you know that? :!’ “Not to call everyone racist, but rather greedy and closed-minded dicks, and potential poor people with a certain history might have minus over 200 years in ‘financial’ and civilized evolution than its white counterpart, if you choose to think about it that way. The establishment has made sure that the poor remain poor throughout this country’s existence, regardless of who the poor people may be /> You have yet to realize this?”

“No,” Palmer said quietly, feeling shitty about himself :(. “I’ve had an idea of it. But does that mean that the arrest of Ràbbani Jaáfar has anything to do with our case?”

“I don’t know about that,” Saves said (given that it was a stupid question #AllQuestionsAreStupid xp). She buried her head in the books, newspapers and printed articles from the Internet littering the entire floor of Palmer’s living room. “But there’s definitely some missing information regarding the exit of former Officer Gähstŭr from the precinct.”

“You think that’s a lead?”

“It’s worth a try.”


April 28th, 2015

2:34 p.m.

Al awoke to an abundance of annoying text messages *TheMo-stAnnoying –

/>Hey I’m really sorry about everything. Call me if you want to talk?


/> I hope you can understand what I’m going through. If you ever need to talk to anyone, you know you always have me. I don’t care what our Facebook relationship status is (I upgraded it to ‘it’s complicated’ btw :)


/> Al some things have happened. Call me


/> PLEASE CALL ME!!!!!!! :’(


There were some voicemails too.


“Hey Al, umm. It’s Candice… Listen… I know we’re on weird terms or whatever but…I miss, er– Could you call me? I know I don’t deserve it, but… I dunno I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.”


“I guess I kinda miss you already heh.”


“Al, something has happened with Herb–Just… Please call me.”


By the time Al’s groggy eyes finally opened and saw that it was half past 2 (two) in the afternoon, which meant that he’d both missed work that day and had forgotten to call out #TheWo-rstOffense(Seriously)[4], he had over two dozen text messages to scroll through, and eight voicemails. He only listened to the first two, got tired of reading after going through the first seven texts. Anything regarding Candice’s knowledge of Herb or Hershel was in a later one so Al didn’t know anything about either of those two pieces of information yet.

He stood up and decided that, instead of just sitting around sulking all day like he wanted to, and knowing that the next few days–which he had off–were destined for such a fate anyway, he’d go and get some much needed groceries since he was too much of a lovesick little bitch to have gone to work (or to have called out).


He stared at the ground for a moment.

‘I fucking hate my life–’

He slapped on some sweatpants and walked outside to find Candice sitting on the trunk of his car in his driveway. She jumped off it, smiled at him when he walked out. He looked away.

“What are you doing here?”

She was a little confused.

“You haven’t heard?”

“Heard what?”

“Hershel is dead.”

Al closed his eyes, and shut them tight.

“What?” he said.


Candice looked at the ground. She didn’t know how to tell him about Herb, but she knew that she had to.

“And Herb has left the hospital.”

Al opened his eyes back up–

“Does that mean he’s home?”

 “Not exactly.”

Candice told Al everything she knew, both about Herb and about Hershel. For the entire time she was explaining, she never once actually thought of anything in particular. Letting the words spill through her, she let everything happen as if she had no control over any of it; ironically: so much like she thought love should be <3.

;) :o XooPPP :D

They naturally walked to a playground near Al’s house (or…). He didn’t say anything when Candice finished explaining. He knew he’d have nothing to say to her the moment he saw her in his mom’s driveway, and after hearing everything about Herb and Hershel, that feeling was only more prevalent. Overall, and having no choice but to put up with her that morning (afternoon), Al was over trying to ‘get her back’ or ‘whatever’. While he totally disagreed with her methods and the process by which she was going about this (he didn’t see why the ‘break-up’ was needed, or whatever the fuck it was), he did kinda know she had a point. There was a lot of fucked up shit going on in the world, and, at the very least, if he weren’t an asshole and somewhat privileged, he figured he should do his best to play his part /> even if he didn’t fully agree with that statement either. It was what Herb had always talked about, but never acted upon :!, so far as Al knew.

Candice seemed to know more–

“Herb was always so…” she went on. She looked at!!! />

The ground–


Al looked up at her.

“So you got a thing for him or what?”

She hesitated.

“I don’t think so.”

“Then what the fuck is with all this talk and shit–”

“He’s my friend too, Al.”

“He was my friend first.”

Candice shook her head, looked away.

“What does that have to do with anything?”


Al shook his head, looked away.

“I just wanna make sure that this whole ‘break’ bullshit isn’t because of some fucked up fantasy you have for my best friend is all.”

She looked back to him, smiled.


“It’s not,” she said, and she lightly nudged him in the hip.

“You’re not allowed to touch me there now that we’ve broken up.”

“Oh really?”

“Yea. I’m trying to grow up, just like you said, and meaningless sex with you just isn’t going to help me with that.”

“Oh, it was always meaningless?”


“I thought you told me that you didn’t have sex with women you didn’t have a connection with?”

“You’re hot.”

She laughed.


“You know everything will be okay, right?” she asked him, both of them knowing full well that they were far from ever ‘taking a break’ #RossNRachel4Eva .

Al hesitated, looked away, had nothing to say /> ‘she wouldn’t get it anyway’ #Rhymes #Rhymes,ToMakeTheWorld-OnADime XD.

“No, do you?” he finally blurted out. Again, this time, Candice hesitated. There was a long, not-so-awkward, intro-spective pause.

“What are you gonna do about Herb?” she finally asked, referring to Herb’s being missing from the hospital, leaving a trail of smeared shit, blood and guts and–

“I dunno,” Al responded.

“But I have an idea…”

[1] The Beastie Boys. ‘No Sleep ‘Till Brooklyn’. License to Ill. Def Jam Recordings. 1986 (featuring Kerry King of Slayer on guitar)

[2] #AnalSex ?

[3] HOLY SHIT!!!! Like, that never happens

[4] I’m quite serious here, if you’re going to miss work, fucking call out, asshole #Teamwork