Michael Phelps Raced a White Shark... Wait, Michael Phelps Raced a White Shark?

The Olympic Gold Medalist Faced His Fasted Opponent Yet… with bloody results

Actual photo of Michael Phelps racing a Great White Shark (it might help him to look around at his surrounding a little more #LoseTheGoggles #WhiteSharksAreDangerous #HaveSomePerspective #LookItUp

Actual photo of Michael Phelps racing a Great White Shark (it might help him to look around at his surrounding a little more #LoseTheGoggles #WhiteSharksAreDangerous #HaveSomePerspective #LookItUp

7/25/17, 1:16 pm EDT

By John Corry, photo from Consequence of Sound

It's shark week!

I used to love shark week (because it’s amazing– channels like Discovery, History and The Science Channel should do more shit like this (like a week civil rights, a week on WWII, a week on Led Zeppelin)), but then they did that stupid thing on the Megalodon and I lost my faith (the whole episode was fake). They've had more bullshit episodes since then–it's as though as their production budget went up, their product got shittier (fancy that)–but, this year, they had a fucking WALLOP of a HOLY SHIT moment–


American Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps raced a Great White Shark.

If you’re thinking that’s just too perfect to be true, you’re mostly right: they didn't actually have Michale Phelps race a Great White Shark (but they did market it that way). They measured how fast Great Whites can swim, cultivated from a number of scientific factors (that part is actually true), compared that with the possibility of Michael Phelps making Discovery Channel a pretty penny, and then juxtaposed an image of Phelps swimming in open water (though I assume it was likely a stage) with a computerized Great White doing what Great Whites do most of the time in open water (swim). If you've ever watched Shark Week before (because that is the only way anyone could ever know anything about sharks), the end should come as no surprise: Great white sharks have an average speed of around twenty-seven mph.

Phelps holds the human world record of a bit over five.

Joking aside, it's actually not that bad of a show. I get why people might be mad if they thought they were actually going to see Michael Phelps race against a real shark in open water (as I did– which was why I was mad), but just imagine what the country would do if a bunch of scientists on Shark Week killed one of America's golden boys just ‘for the sake of science’? Nobody would ever do anything for the sake of science again!

Ironically, it's probably the coolest thing Shark Week has done since the megalodon fiasco (;D), but specifically because it wasn't fake. It was fun, it had facts, it had a climax and a relative (scientifically backed this time) narrative (as far as these types of shows go) and the marketing wasn’t even all that off-point. At the end of the day: they’re just trying to make money, right (and that’s all)? Gotta do whatever it takes…

The question we all want to know: will Shark Week keep up the trend? Will it stop coaxing viewers in with ‘fake news’ (marketing) simply because that's what its viewers apparently want? Will you actually learn something from Shark Week this year? Will anyone care, and not just be rightfully offended at the waste of time stupid fake stories give fade to our rapid evolving, oceanic, marine souls??

Look it up. (For the record: that video is hilarious, relevant to the vibe and the subject matter of this article, and fantastic; I am not trying to troll The Laurie Berkner Band.)