Kathy Griffin Publicly Admits to Assassinating President-Lord Trump

The Brutality Comes at the Heels of a Reltively Simple Time in America’s History

Kathy Griffin holding the REAL head of President Trump (this is a joke).

Kathy Griffin holding the REAL head of President Trump (this is a joke).

5/30/17, 9:40 pm EDT

By John Corry, photo by Tyler Shields

Kathy Griffin has come clean regarding what the majority of us already totally knew (iss-so obvious): she has assassinated President Trump–decapitated him, to be precise–she is currently secretly wanted by the secret police in Hollywood #ICE , and is being held up Nazi style, though much more publicly in Griffin’s case, in the relatively ‘luxurious’ basement of friend and celebrity photographer Tyler Shields.

The confession comes in the form of a gruesome photo of Griffin, 56, holding the severed, bloody head of the real President Donald Trump–the most real (like: totally real)–taken by fellow conspirator and future fugitive Shields, with a tweet including the photo and a quote: “I caption this ‘there was blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his… wherever.”

The quote was both a sleight against one of the most famous moments of our lord Trump’s divine rise to power during his Campaign of Angels (in which he told ousted Fox News host and debate moderator Megyn Kelly to stop bleeding like a Whiny Little Bitch #ShoutOutToBillMaher ), as well as an obvious confession of guilt on the part of Griffin, given that President Trump so clearly has the right to be offended by anything and everything he wants (I mean emotions are relative, right? And if you’re the president, clearly your emotions are the most important of everyone’s #TheMostImportantTheMostImportant, otherwise you wouldn’t be president #That’sAllThereIsToTheJob,Right? #AtLeastAccrdingToSome).

And this is all relevant because Savior Trump is the first president to make a point of this most important issue while actually ‘serving’ in office (the fact that real leaders have no emotions (ZERO!)), and with how many varying carnations we have had of him up to this point; it is clearly also of great motivation for Griffin and her actions #TheWayToBeatTyrannyIsWithMoreTyranny.

While many may question how a ‘Mr. President Donald Trump’ may still be parading around the oval office physically and at his slimmest 895 lbs. as if nothing has happened, I bring to you this most important point: fake news. The current incarnation of our lord and savior is simply not who he says he is! He’s real news!!! Remember, burnt out rockstar and LGBTQ activist Marilyn Manson had a similar declaration of guilt last fall­, and he even had a video.

Luckily however, this time around, the U.S. secret service is actually taking something seriously (which NEVER happens (clearly)), aside from just sitting around all day assessing threats in the real world and acting accordingly (those lazy fucks (or: racist?)). Shortly after Griffin’s confession, they tweeted: “Threats made against @SecretService protectess receive the highest priority of all our investigations. #ProtectionNeverRests ” I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be taking this threat seriously; satire aside, a move like this from a public figure (Kathy Griffin) whose history is mired with over-offendedness incites a justifiably harsh reaction from those who recognize that Marilyn Manson is way more talented than she is (not a Manson fan? #Offended? ); I’m merely suggesting that perhaps this outrage in reaction to it, rather than a personal disavowing and universally accepted almost subconscious disappointment through personal, non-societal means ($), could be serving as a potential source for the relative ignorance of the fact that Kathy Griffin just fucking assassinated the fucking president. How do you think fake news would even be able to exist in a world which valued human thought and evaluated opinion over gossip, justified emotion (we all indeed do have emotions #SuckOnThat,Alt-Right/Alt-Left-ees ) ($) and click-bait culture confined to a hundred and forty characters or less? I mean there’s nothing weird about the United States Secret Service making a #ProtectionNeverRests in a tweet, right? Because hashtags are, like, the clearest way, like, to, #Like, get your point across, #Like, #Get #GetIt #it #GotIt ?

Of course, the real problem here isn’t so much that people are making money as it is that they have to make money, or at least before they have to be a better person, or laugh before worrying or crying, or consider how they’re making said money, or what they may be doing to themselves and to others in the process. If you don’t make money, you die. If you’re a shitty person, you may not have many friends, but you don’t die–in fact that may only make living that much easier. This isn’t communist rhetoric based on an irrational need to talk shit on the people who have worked harder than I have in their lives, that’s too easy; it’s a simple critique of the current human thought process, and, specifically, how capitalism is handled within it. Without that critique, capitalism would not exist, nor would any society, or Individual, nor any societal/Individual tool or psychological bridge. People just can’t function when they’re worried about money all the time, and the fact that one can become a millionaire subsidizing welfare and destroying the middle class and never have to bat an eye renders any economic system based on such a primitive physical substitute for metaphysical ‘capital’ as money as obsolete at best, and doomed at worst.

Because real people cannot be classified as mere numbers, but must be Absolutely, at least as far as the government is concerned (which is the scary part of this), or else be lost track of. People are just too scared of other people right now; it simply takes too much time and runs too high a risk to let people define for themselves what survival is and means.

But life is certainly easier for Kathy Griffin now that she’s done what we all so reverently need to do, as the only thing which relatively makes us human beings #ShoutOutToThePostModernists : tell the world what she’s thinking and feeling, as two instinctively and inevitably opposing human and anti-human characteristics–respectively–and be able to act on such a notion with no consequences #TrueCommie? #AnUnintendedConsequenceOfThePhilosophyOfMarx? . If we could all just take a note out of Kathy Griffin’s blatantly dishonest playbook­, and recognize the world’s need for my opinion–and only my opinion­–because it’s the best opinion, the best, the best–we’d all be a lot better off.

'Individually' speaking (I see you, Foucault).