Kathy Griffin Publicly Admits to Assassinating President/Lord Trump

The Assassination Comes at the Heels of a Turbulent Time in America’s History

Kathy Griffin holding the REAL head of President Trump (this is a joke).

Kathy Griffin holding the REAL head of President Trump (this is a joke).

5/30/17, 9:40 pm EDT

By John Corry, photo by Tyler Shields

Kathy Griffin has finally come clean regarding what the majority of us already knew: she has assassinated President Trump–decapitated him, to be precise–she is currently secretly wanted by the secret police in Hollywood #ICE , and is being held up Nazi style, though much more publicly in Griffin’s case, in the relatively ‘luxurious’ basement of friend and celebrity photographer Tyler Shields.

The confession comes in the form of a gruesome photo of Griffin, 56, super-liberal and proud, holding the severed, bloody head of the real President Donald Trump–The most real–taken by fellow conspirator and future fugitive Shields, with a tweet, which includes the photo and a quote: “I caption this ‘there was blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his… wherever.”

This is of course both a sleight against one of the most famous moments of our lord Trump’s rise to power during the campaign (in which he understandably told ousted Fox News host and debate moderator Megyn Kelly to stop being a Whiny Little Bitch #ShoutOutToBillMaher ), as well as an obvious confession of guilt on the part of Griffin, given that President Trump so clearly has the right to be offended by anything he wants (I mean emotions are relative, right? And if you’re the president, clearly your emotions are the most important of everyone’s #TheMostImportantTheMostImportant , otherwise you wouldn’t be president #That’sAllThereIsToTheJob,Right? #AtLeastAccrdingToSome ).

This is relevant because Lord Trump is the first president to make a point of this most important issue while actually ‘serving’ in office, and with how many varying carnations we have had of him up to this point; it is clearly also of great motivation for Griffin and her actions #TheWayToBeatTyrannyIsWithMoreTyranny .

While many may question how a ‘Mr. President Donald Trump’ may still be parading around the oval office physically and at his slimmest 895 lbs. as if nothing has happened, I bring to you this most important point: fake news. The current incarnation of our lord and savior is simply not who he says he is! He’s real news!!! Remember, burnt out rockstar and LGBTQ activist Marilyn Manson had a similar declaration of guilt last fall­, and he even had a video.

Luckily however, this time around, the U.S. secret service is actually taking something seriously for once, aside from just sitting around all day assessing threats in the real world and acting accordingly. Shortly after Griffin’s confession, they tweeted: “Threats made against @SecretService protectess receive the highest priority of all our investigations. #ProtectionNeverRests ” I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be taking this threat seriously; satire aside, a move like this from a public figure (Kathy Griffin) whose history is mired with over-offendedness and Snowflake Culture incites a justifiably harsh reaction from those who recognize that Marilyn Manson is way more talented than she is (not a Manson fan? #Offended? ); I’m merely suggesting that perhaps this outrage in reaction to it, rather than personal disavowing and universally accepted almost subconscious disappointment through personal, non-societal means ($), could be serving as a potential metaphysical source for the relative ignorance of the fact that Kathy Griffin just fucking assassinated the fucking president. How do you think fake news would even be able to exist in a world which valued human thought and evaluated opinion over gossip, justified emotion (we all indeed do have emotions #SuckOnThat,Alt-Right/Alt-Left-ees ) ($) and click-bait culture confined to a hundred and forty characters or less? I mean there’s nothing weird about the United States Secret Service making a #ProtectionNeverRests in a tweet, right? Because hashtags are, like, the clearest way to get your point across, like, get it? #SoLongAsThey’reMakingMoney

Of course, the real problem here isn’t so much that people are making as it is that they have to make money, or at least before they have to be a better person, or laugh before worrying or crying, or consider how they’re making said money, or what they may be doing to themselves and to others in the process. If you don’t make money, you die. If you’re a shitty person, you may not have many friends, but you don’t die–in fact that may only make living that much easier. This isn’t communist rhetoric based on an irrational need to talk shit on the people who have worked harder than I have in their lives, that’s too easy; it’s a simple critique of the current human thought process, and, specifically, how capitalism is handled within it. Without that critique, capitalism would not exist, nor would any society, or Individual, nor any societal/Individual tool or psychological bridge…

Life is certainly easier for Kathy Griffin, however, now that she’s done what we all so reverently need to do, as the only thing which relatively makes us human beings #ShoutOutToThePostModernists : tell the world what she’s thinking and feeling, as two instinctively and inevitably opposing human and anti-human characteristics, respectively, and be able to act on such a notion with no consequences #TrueCommie? #AnUnintendedConsequenceOfThePhilosophyOfMarx . If we could all just take a note out of Kathy Griffin’s blatantly dishonest playbook­, and recognize the world’s need for my opinion–and only my opinion­–because it’s the best opinion, the best, the best–we’d all be a lot better off, 'individually' speaking.

And, if we’re lucky, maybe then we’ll actually have one president survive a full week in office, to let her destroy herself on her own terms, without needing Marilyn Manson or Eminem or Maynard to tell her what’s up.