7 Reasons to Believe That Donald Trump has a Small Penis

Donald Trump (real)

Donald Trump (real)

10/12/16, 5:40 pm EDT

By John Corry 

How does that saying go?

Whoever smelt it dealt it.’

Ever since he first walked down that golden escalator to announce his presidency, there have been the nagging questions of ‘why is Donald Trump doing this?’ ‘How did he really get so much money?’ ‘Does he really mean everything he says?’ He’s got money, power, hot wives, and hot daughters; what more could he possibly want?

Of course, the thing about people with golden escalators is that they always want more golden escalators (and for them to be more golden, at that ;D). While there are millions upon trillions of physical and political reasons why this may be the case, I’d like to take a moment to point out one of the few metaphorical ones that may actually have something to do, at least indirectly, with all of them.

We’re only human…’

10 Reasons to Believe Donald Trump has a Small Penis

1.     He Claims Outright to Have a Big Penis

This is likely the simplest argument for why Donald Trump’s penis is, despite his assurances ‘proving’ otherwise, actually smaller than a pin needle. When a guy shows you a picture of his 1969 Gibson Les Paul, but refuses to let you see it any time you’re at his place, odds are: he’s lying. Possible psychological reasons for this are numerous, but one of the big ones is obvious: he thinks that if you think he has a 1969 Gibson Les Paul, you’ll think he’s cooler than he actually is (so cool).

After remembering how big of a stink Donald Trump made about seeing President Obama’s birth certificate several years ago, my question is this: if we’ve never seen it– how do we know it’s not that small? And how good could a male president possibly be if he’s that ‘ill-equipped’ in the ‘man department?

2.     He Plasters His Name on Every Thing He Can Find

Name branding is an essential commodity in the business world, but is there a point where that necessity turns into something more implicative of the businessman’s personality? Warren Buffet is extremely successful in business, but I don’t see ‘Buffet’ splooged all over every one his buildings or products (or do I? #Puns(likeI’mAlwaysHungry)).

3.     He’s Filled His House With Gold, Thrones and Other ‘Flaunty’ Styles of Decoration

One of the most obvious and major indicators that someone may be trying to overcompensate for something is that they are in constant need to flaunt how awesome they are and how good they are at making money. We all know how much money Donald Trump has, or at the very least we have a general idea (allegedly), all we have to do is take one look at the Atlantic City skyline, or a few minutes to research the history of real estate in Manhattan to figure that one out (or: become more convinced that he has a small penis). So why does he feel the need to film himself being interviewed in a place he’s decorated to make himself out to look like Julius Caesar or King George III?

Moreover, how many interviews does he really have in that room throughout the average year to warrant that kind of decoration, from a hosting standpoint? Is there any psychological reason to believe that he may need to look at his wealth and riches so constantly, even when he’s all alone…

4.     He’s Commented Repeatedly on How Hot His Daughter is

She’s hot, she’s smart, she’s successful, and the whole package came from one man, the most amazing man in the world, the man who made that: Donald J. Trump. It was his love potion that made that fine piece of ass, and it remains his mind and ideas on raising children to be given credit for her successes (and solely his). She’s even got a big enough heart to be friends with the devils’ daughter, Chelsea Clinton!

This girl’s got everything and it’s obvious that Donald Trump knows it, so if he were comfortable with that fact, why does he feel the need to constantly remind everyone about it, even after he’s announced his decision to run for president? Is it because he thinks that the fact that he made a hot daughter also means that he’ll make a good president (because those two things have so much to do with each other)? Is it because he knows that people care more about the way a president (or his daughter) looks than they do about what he thinks? Or is it because he thinks that the size of his penis is one of the most important aspects when making any types of judgment on a man?

We’ll find out soon enough…

5.     He’s Clearly Threatened by Mexicans and African Americans

“Build a wall!!!!” “They’re criminals, they’re rapists…” “I mean come on, what do you have to lose?”

People with actual big dicks are comfortable around other people with big dicks. They’re not threatened by stereotypes or the prospect of losing their jobs (because they’re good at their jobs and they recognize, on a moment to moment basis, that they’re valuable). Only someone with a very small pecker would actually run a presidential campaign based on these fears and insecurities, thinking of it as any way to appeal to the masses, and only someone who was really bad in the gold-plated bedroom would be so subconsciously good at representing that type of simple-minded, one-sided thinking.

6.     He Ruthlessly Attacks his Political Enemies with Less-Than-Reasonable Remarks and Baseless Insults

Another surefire way to throw everyone off the ‘scent’ that you’re packing a 3.3cm lady-slammer is to constantly berate anyone who may be onto your secret with confident and loud insults: the less time you give the other person to form an educated rebuttal, the better. Adding to this point is the fact that none of Trump’s insults ever had any substance; his attacks on Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio were boyish and immature and I don’t feel I even need to mention Ted Cruz to accentuate this (“How do we know that his dad didn’t kill JFK?” In reference to a picture comparing Cruz’s and Trump’s wives: “A picture is worth a thousand words.”).

Only someone with nothing to back up his arguments would claim presidential stakes on statements that can’t be backed up with arguments or facts. Maybe he’s just not smart enough to say anything worth anything more than the racist vote of an chosen-ignorant bigot-vagina-hair? Or maybe he’s just smart enough to know that in this world, there’s only one way for the underdog to beat the intellectual who chooses to actually think about things rather than drink ($$$) that thought away:

By aimlessly swinging around that giant honeysucker, so big that the world can’t help but be overwhelmed by its sheer weight and credit in future stock value.

7.     He’s Running For President

To come back to the beginning of this post: why would someone with such a luxurious and apparently perfect life choose to spend his time and energy running a campaign to be the president of a country he apparently doesn’t even like (the hate on immigrants, bait to evangelicals, hate on Muslims, “Make America Great Again!”, love of police states (these are all clearly anti-American ideas by the way (if ‘American ideas’ recognize thought before stale political rhetoric geared for power politics), or at least arguments for why America is not great) etc.)?

I’ll tell you why: he once again needs to prove, not only to the masses and to the people to whom he sells terrible products at the cost of human lives and dignity, but, most importantly, to himself that not only is his dick the biggest dick in the entire world, but that it’s working perfectly fine. ‘The President of the United States’ is one of the biggest, most implicative-of-masculinity jobs in the history of the world. Could you imagine this dude with that much power? His dick would be like, 69,000 miles long! He’d be able to shove that thing in the faces of those small-dicked Chinese all the way from Mexico!

The world is in a crazy place in 2016. Many have offered remedies to fix the problems facing society, but none have come close to the irreparable damage Donald Trump is personally doing to those who don’t care about the size of one’s ding dong, but rather the size of one’s brain and heart. Those who of us who realize that a balance between intelligence, compassion, responsibility, and balls is what makes a good leader, not just the ability to convince people one has those things (#TrulyPC), and that respect, vulnerability, and a lack of care regarding one’s external belief or personality structure–as the media can currently only give a glimpse of at the moment (in 2016)–are the true signs of a decent human being, ignorant of that person’s personal conquest of power or happiness– a modest outlook or an intelligent take on the inherently incomprehensible universal concept we call rapidly evolving civilization.

Mankind does not grow or live without that subconscious knowledge that time is always moving forward, and that, historically, as well as practically, human beings progress through thought, respect and love, not blame, resentment and judgment. 

Either that or through big vaginas #TheBiggestVaginas.